-- or, alternately, things I've learned from fellow writers that have made me angry, bitter, and cemented my decision to become a recluse.
In no particular order:
1. Don't be curious. This is a useless facet of the human imagination, which only leads to asking questions, and that only suggests that you have a perverted desire to seek knowledge outside of your own and to question the stereotypes and authority figures that have created the rigid, narrow-minded paradigm of the world you currently live in.
2. Don't bother reading anything. It's really just a waste of time. Unless it was written by a male misogynist, or occasionally a female one. Especially if said author had no particular love of language and prefers explosions as an expression of profound insight into the human condition, namely, one's deeply repressed rage regarding abusive/neglectful parents that presents as pyromania.* Explosions. More explosions. Your computer just exploded. See, now, this blog is read-worthy because there were explosions. I could throw some military jargon in there too, like how we're only a few klicks away from the LZ and when they drop the napalm we need to clear the area ASAP before it's all FUBAR and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, but you get the idea.
* I heard once that women are more likely to commit acts of arson than men, since they are not encouraged to be aggressive in society and this repressed rage finds its way out through the act of setting fires. This one's for you, Left Eye.
3. When in the presence of a professional writer who has paid their dues with blood, sweat and tears, don't bother asking for advice. That would make you appear to be weak, to actually be humble enough to kneel before another's altar. This also relates to point #1.
4. Sign up for college writing classes, writing workshops, writing groups. The more the better. If you ladder them correctly, you may be able to arrange it so you need never actually pursue a career in writing because you will be too busy engaged in group masturbatory practices and circle jerks.
5. Don't be suspicious of praise. It's probably not an impatient, ruthless writer who figured out within the first five seconds of meeting you that your self-absorption and narcissism provides a really convenient point of exploitation: namely, building you up with false praise. Nah. You and I both know that first draft is flawless.
6. Don't bother learning paragraph/sentence structure. This skill will only hold you back, the same way it's really held back Cormac McCarthy. What a jack-ass, right?
7. Don't have goals. This is the best part. Without having a concrete vision of your future, a strategy that requires forward-thinking (a skill situated in what is termed your "frontal lobe") there's no real need to pursue writing on a serious level. This is loosely related to the idea of You Need Not Bother Yourself With Those Pesky Forms Of Self-Discipline, like time management or even, God forbid, sitting down to write.
8. Be offended by sophisticated-looking writers who clearly have developed a greater range of social skills despite their solitary set backs, and extra black marks on their record if they are younger than you. Treat said writer like Big Foot, announce that they are "arrogant,"* and success will be yours.
*Actually happened. I presume that by "arrogant" they meant "you write better than I do." Which happens when you're raised in art history classes because there's no one to babysit for you, and your cultured Mediterranean friend has a father who teaches at Temple University and likes to quiz you on what Hamlet was really saying in his soliloquies. When you're fifteen years old. And you've been sending short stories out to professional markets when you were thirteen/fourteen without help from anyone. I'm, like, the most arrogant motherfucker I know.
9. Don't be concerned with feeling comfortable in your skin, confident of your abilities, or worse yet -- being an authentic artist. Remember, the only purpose to writing is to make a lot of money.
10. Apologize often for having the audacity to dream, and dream big. There's nothing better than someone who strives to attain something meaningful in their lives and then crawls and simpers their way through the journey, hoping a substitute parental figure will give them their nod of approval.
11. Talk about your painful upbringing with the neglectful parents who didn't hug you, hugged you too much, hugged you the wrong way, hugged Jim Bean/Jack Daniels/Johnny Walker, or the one that hugged corpses. Extra points if it's irrelevant to your work, the conversation, and if nobody asked you. This is especially effective because other people suffering from differing traumatic events will have front row seats at a dick measuring contest for the walking wounded. "Oh, you think that was bad? Let me tell you about the time Agnus strangled Richard to death at Easter with the piano wire," or "there was that time Uncle Mikey and Steve-O got into the sword fight at Hornice's wedding."
12. Remember: Announce yourself in an effort to obfuscate the real you. Example: if you are a liar, preface a sentence with the phrase: "I'm no liar." This does not apply to lying alone, as virtually any nasty character flaw you have can be rendered null and void by insisting you have virtues of the opposite quality: "I have nothing to hide," or "I'm not a bullshit artist." Such phrases are often accompanied by the word, "but." In truth, this might not cement your success as a best-selling author, but rest assured, it's a good all around rule of thumb. And I am not a talented, agented author with any particular skill, but trust me: it works.
13. Never forget that success comes to you. There should be no effort on your part resembling hard work. After all, you deserve it. And by hard work, this includes not only the act of writing, but doing necessary research for your topics, doing research on the industry you're engaged in, or even making an effort to "put yourself out there" by meeting new people with similar interests and then showing an interest in them and what they do. A total waste of time, and besides, it really takes the focus off the most important aspect of your writing, namely, you.
14. Treat all rejection with the same sexual intensity with which you entertain your lovers: What? Why don't you like me? Can I do it differently? I'll do whatever you want. We can do that thing we talked about with your best friend. What's wrong? Just tell me what I did wrong! Didn't you feel that, we shared a moment! We've got so much in common! I know you felt it too! Fine! You'll never get anyone better than me!
15. Last but not least: don't write. It's not like anyone reads books anyway . . .
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